Thank you, Key West!

I just returned from a week-long vacation in the Florida Keys, Key West to be exact. What an amazing place to visit! I can’t put my finger on it, but it is a unique, fun, active, rooster laden, restful, and quirky place all wrapped up together. People watching was next level.

Not long into the trip, and after delay after ridiculous airport delay (thank you, DFW), I started to notice how dysregulated I felt. Let me explain some back story. I had to have surgery to open my airway seven days prior to leaving for vacation. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t recommend traveling after surgery. I struggle with an auto-immune/rare disease called idiopathic Subglottic Stenosis. My main symptom is that my airway below my vocal cords narrows and closes for no apparent reason, thus the idiopathic part. I went mis-diagnosed for years and was treated for asthma, which did nothing to help me. But now I’m in the care of a wonderful doctor/surgeon who treats me. (Someday I will share more of this story.)

I’m not sure if it was the anesthesia, or the actual procedure (I’ll spare you the details), that made me feel off, or if it was too much activity for me to jump on a plane a week after that caused me to feel disconnected from myself and just over-all dysregulated within my mind and body.

The best way I can describe dysregulation (for me) is that I was shutdown on the inside, but honestly, I had no clue that I was. One day, while taking a walk by myself along the Gulf side of our resort, it hit me. I wasn’t present, at least not fully. I participated in all the vacation things. I joined all the conversations. I laughed at all the joking around, and with our crew laughter was not in short supply. I was engaged. So what on earth was wrong? I started to notice what was on my mind, and that’s when I realized there was a problem.

This was my sixth vacation to Florida; twice to West Palm Beach, twice to Orlando, once to Miami, and now Key West. Florida holds so many memories of family vacations, family reunions, celebratory trips with my husband, and now this. It was my first time back in 10 years. And goodness me have things changed in my life during the last 10 years. My kids are grown; I’m a grandma; I have this awful diagnosis to live with and manage; I’ve deconstructed and reconstructed my faith; I’ve grown older, and a little wiser; I completed two certificate programs and I’m in the midst of completing a third; I’m now an empty nester living my best life in Small Town, USA; I’ve launched a spiritual direction and life coaching practice that’s evolving daily. Life couldn’t be fuller, and for some reason, as I sat on the bench watching the marina, I felt emptiness.

Because I consider Jesus to be many things to me, one of which is my companion, I asked Him, what is going on with me? Immediately the skies opened and the waters of the Gulf parted and a voice from Heaven…. Just kidding. It was nothing like that at all. Thankfully. I much prefer Companion Jesus. I had this memory come back to me. It was our sweet family of four on the beach in West Palm. There were sea turtles hatching in the sand and running towards the ocean. Thousands of them. It was a beautiful experience to share with just the four of us. Somehow, as a young mom back then, I thought it would always be like this for our family, continuous amazing experiences and magical moments, but life happened to us, and things took a major turn at some point. And now, here I was back on the beach, alone with some memories. The next thought Jesus gave me was this big clunky chain that was attached to my foot. Even though the chain was long and I could slowly move around with it, it held me back.

In that quiet, peaceful moment I realized how tethered to the past I was. Ugh. I hate to think about all the work I’ve done in counseling over the years to still be stuck, but welcome to Humanity! As I sat some more, and breathed in the salty air, I realized the chain wasn’t attached to anything—except my foot. The chain itself wasn’t holding me back, I was holding me back. It’s like it had become this added appendage that just followed behind me. And for whatever reason, Key West was the place that all this would be revealed to me. Thank you? I think?

I’ve had a few days to ponder this revelation, and I will definitely take more time to sit with it, but for right now, here’s what I know. Dysregulation is absolutely okay, and most often needed to show us what in our life might need attention. Traveling a few days after surgery, not recommended. A tropical vacation in paradise may not feel so paradise-y. Triggers, or awakenings, as one of my instructors likes to say, can happen at any moment—even vacation. Pushing them away because it’s vacation is not the healthiest option. Jesus pointing out the chain, but not condemning me for the chain—priceless.

I’m home now, and in this moment, I’m regulated again. The chain has not made any more appearances. It might still be there, but it doesn’t have the power to slow me down anymore. Going forward I will notice when I start to feel dysregulated. I will sit with it for a while, and then I will break the cycle of past pain interfering with present moments. The past pain is there. It still very much exists, but I don’t need to give it power over the present. I know it seems easier said than done, but it’s not. Noticing what’s off within us is the key for regulating once again.

What about you? Do you ever feel dysregulated? How do you walk through that? If you want to talk, I’m here. We might have a thing or two in common, and having a companion to talk to can make all the difference in regulating again.

With love,

Krista